We’ve had lots of pets. But the best way for me to gage what pets I had and when, is to remember the baby-sitter at the time. Because, not only did we go through alot of pets, we also went through alot of baby-sitters. With Tia & Maria was Mrs. Worm. She was a mean old lady who made us eat alphabet baloney and always threatened to give my ass a lickin’, which I pictured as her literally licking my ass. This frightened me. With Tia post-Maria death was Sigi, one of our many baby-sitters imported from Germany. Sigi was special, not only could she speak almost zero English, but she was also 99% deaf! Throughout our budgies was Stewart, our only male baby-sitter, therefore the coolest(for a boy). Next was Briggitta, another German import who only came here to find a husband. She was the first and only baby-sitter to take us for a walk in an evening gown, full make-up, and heels(of course as an adult this sounds hot as hell but as a child it was just strange). Next came Wallburger Benz, (German), marking the first naked female breast I’d ever seen(by accident, not through some seductive evening as I’d hoped after watching PRIVATE LESSONS multiple times) and I can’t forget Cathy Ardedo, our personal favorite, because she brought us presents. At the end of our hamster blood bath came Mrs. Young, who is fortunate enough to have the distinction of being the only baby-sitter I’ve ever seen completely naked, excluding of course baby-sitters I’ve dated…other peoples baby-sitters.
Now without sounding mean-spirited I just want to say that she would not have been my first choice of sitters to see fully naked, not even above Stewart. You see, Mrs. Young was in her late sixties and her girlish figure was well on its way south by this time. Immediately after I viewed her naked body I shared my experience with Dave Strachan, a friend who slept over alot. This was followed by Mrs. Young yelling,” Scotty, you shouldn’t talk so loud, I can hear everything you’re saying.”
She also has the distinction of being the only baby-sitter ever to see me naked, excluding my diaper stage. And this is a painful truth…
It was a chilly Saturday afternoon. Spring was nowhere to be found as winds whisked through the air. I was 11. I rode with Mrs. Young while she ran some errands. We decided to stop and pick up some lunch at Dairy Queen. As Mrs. Young tore out of the DQ drive way, I looked down in the box I held and noticed that her large ,black coffee had just spilt. I thought she should know. “Mrs. Young, your coffee…ahhhhhhh!” I pushed the box onto the floor sending food everywhere and furiously rubbed my now hot coffee soaked groin area through my sweat pants, thinking that this would somehow ease the pain. She began to freak out in some scottish demon tounge while I was yelling and screaming at what was the worst pain I had ever felt. Not to mention extensive fear from where this pain was coming from. She kept driving and told me to show it to her. I was 11. This was not going to happen. She insisted that I let her look at it because she used to be a nurse.
You know, throughout my entire life it has always seemed that whenever a medical problem or crisis arose at any time, suddenly everyone has some kind of medical training. I’m a nurse, I know first aid, I’ve seen ER, whatever! They just suddenly feel that they are now qualified to handle the situation.
After a little more convincing and my realization that if she didn’t help I may never make babies,
I peeled off my track pants. And with them, my first layer of skin. Which was now flapped across each leg. This did not amuse me. I had now hit a whole new level of hysteria. Mrs. Young leaned over to touch it ; it being my now useless groin. I pulled away. She may be the first to see it, but she was not going to be the first to touch it! The decision was made to head to a hospital. To alleviate the pain I decided to turn the air conditioner on full(In Canada, in February) and raise my crotch as close to the vents as possible, trying not to look at my sad friend. So you’ve got to picture this old woman driving me the wrong way , down a one way street, in heavy traffic, racing to the hospital while sneaking plenty of peeks at what was left of her coffee. Me with my crotch up against the dash, praying this pain would go away. All of this in broad daylight.
She dropped me off at the ER so she could park. So here I am limping into the ER in nothing but a windbreaker sadly wrapped around what was left of my groin. I’m taken to the first empty room and I’m introduced to my doctor. My female doctor. Needless to say, this was the icing on the cake of a very big cake. The chances are she knew my mom and my burnt penis was about to become the next topic of conversation at the hairdressers where everything was revealed in our small ton of Oakville.
She bandaged up my groin plus a good portion of my waist as well. I was fine according to the doctor. She was great, although she didn’t exactly keep in mind that little boys pee differently than little girls. I of course didn’t realize this either until it was too late. You see she had bandaged me so well, not only could I not pee but it was virtually impossible for me to even find the little guy…
Over time both my pee-pee and my mind healed but to this day I am a nazi when it comes to proper placement of hot drinks while driving…
